Sunday, May 6, 2012

WARNING: When the Fear takes hold

For some reason lately my internal alarm clock is off. I have been waking at 5am.  That is about two hours after the latest time that I would normally wake up. I am not sure what is going on. The first day it happened, I panicked.  The second day it happened, I panicked and then remembered that it was a weekend and the last test would have been done by son less than four hours ago.  The third day was today and I will have to fix this trend fast!

When I woke this morning, I found my son's bg level was the dreaded 5 (90).  You know? That perfect number that you don't know which way it will go and you quickly drive yourself insane wondering? Normally I would have stayed awake for a bit to retest, check and see what was going on. Today I was tired. I was worn out and I literally prayed for the best as I headed back to bed.

I woke up a few hours later with the intention of checking to see where his bg levels were but I fell back to sleep. When I finally woke up again, I lay there heavily buried in guilt.  The what ifs began....

What if he did drop lower while I selfishly slept?
What if he seized while I dreamed  peaceful walks?
What if he didn't wake up when I went to check on him?
What if he had brain damage?
What if my sweet, quirky young son was hurt because of my selfish desire to rest a little longer?
This would ruin my oldest son's graduation celebrations in a few weeks.
I would never celebrate a birthday again because I had done this. It would be all my fault.

Plagued by all of the horrific sceneiros racing through my mind, I quickly headed across to his room.  As I entered, he stretched and yawned. He held out his hand for me to test but pretended to remain asleep. I lanced. Not enough blood. I lanced again. I squeezed. I waited. He was 6.5 (115ish).  He was fine. There was no coma, no brain damage--just a perfectly fine teen desperate to sleep until his mother peels his body off of his mattress.

I took a cleansing breath and headed off to the couch to sit and regroup for a bit.  This disease can drive you crazy. I thought I was doing well at living in the now.  Not letting it freak me out very often any more. I thought I was rolling with the punches pretty well. I guess we all have our days.  Today was mine. Tomorrow will be better.


  1. Oh, been there, done that Barb. And I agree about the dreaded, middle of the night 5!! A 4 you know you need to deal with. A 6 is probably fine. But a 5?? Which way will it go?? And I think we will always have those feelings of panic and guilt as long as our kids are under our roof. And probably even more panic once they're not...

  2. Agree with that statement, more panic once they're not. Personally, if 90, I either give a bit of juice to bump her up or reduce temp basal for two hours, just a tad. If I know in advance I am too tired to make it through. There have been many times when I sleep through intending to get up. If your body is too tired, it can sleep through multiple alarms. I try to make sure I get some rest somehow, one of my top priorities, during the day or even early evenings. I wonder how these kids are going to do it and hold down a full-time job. I have read on this topic on some of the adult blogs and the consensus seems to be that most of them don't do night checks. I can only hope it is because they become more stable overnight once the growth hormones stop. At least I hope that's why.